Dear Appendix, it’s just not working out…….

So last week my appendix decided to betray me, I don’t know exactly where we went wrong, one minute we were frolicking in the park together hand in hand and the next my dear Appy had developed a drinking problem and a wandering eye…..  Sigh, but such is life.


I’m really mostly just mad about missing a couple of weeks of work, I had stuff to do darn it!  Also I look 4 months pregnant but on just the right half of my stomach because of all of the swelling and the doctor said I’m not suppose to have any dirty sex for like two weeks also.

So in hindsight I suppose my relationship with Appy was not really any different than either of my marriages, or the vast majority of my serious “relationships.”  By which I mean, at the end of the day I realized I had been spending all these years housing and feeding this lump of flesh until it woke up and decided to just be a complete pain in the ass, resulting in a couple weeks of nausea and not getting laid.  I’m sure by next week I’m going to find out that he left me for my disgusting calcified gallbladder even though we all know that b^tch doesn’t have anything going for her either…


In other compleeeetly unrelated news, I started a relationship with this guy a couple of months ago, well actually specifically what I said was “this is weird” and “I don’t really date, like I seriously haven’t been on a real date in years….”  But we’ve been doing this thing where we eat food and go on walks together and don’t have sex with other people (allegedly), for awhile now.  Then these stupid words like “dating” and “girlfriend” have been getting thrown around or whatever. Which is cool and all, we actually have a pretty great relationship, which actually really upsets me because I hate dating a lot, annnnd I really don’t like having a relationship that ISN’T complete shit because I might have to experience some kind of human type emotion or something about it at some point or something.  Sigh….


Yup, I am not ashamed to admit that I’m much more comfortable having complete control over every aspect of my personal life and free time while pursuing my long-term commitment to my cat and PlayStation because it’s less stressful than meaningful human interaction.


Oh, and also, I like the FREEEEEEDOM most of the time, soooo we’ll see how this “doing things I normally don’t like” phase works out for me.


Don’t live your life on pineapple…

So I finally beat The Last of Us, and yes I am aware it came out a year ago, no I didn’t just start playing it either.  You see this has been my life’s greatest challenge for the past year and a half since I got this little gem after excitedly waiting for it to come out ever since I read in article about it in like, I dunno, 2012 or something.


But then, after so much anticipation, this game betrayed me.  See what happened was I popped the disc into my PlayStation hot off the shelves back in 2013 and as I was going through the settings I thought to myself “what the heck, let’s play this baby on hard because I’m a badass!”  and for the record, I am in fact a badass because I made it to about 79% of the way through the game with the difficulty cranked up to “why did I pay that hooker to do the thing with the pineapple again?!?!” hard.


But then I forgot that I had it set to hard, and one fateful day, I got stuck.  There were zombies coming in through the walls, through the ceiling, through my everloving pores.  Try as I might, no matter how many throwey explodey things I made, no matter how much ammo I did, I kept getting my face eaten off in the SAME. SPOT. OVER. AND. OVER.  Until I finally just rage quit and passed out in a pile of beer bottles and failure, bitterly returning the game to the shelf where it sat for many a long day.


That is until the day before yesterday when it worked its way back into my life as I was discussing my failures with a friend of mine who claimed to be a hardened Last of Us veteran.  He swore up and down that he could beat the level in 10 minutes if I wanted to finally have the pleasure of experiencing what the ending of this game was for myself.  Thus we embarked on this endeavor.


Well as it turns out “lubeless pineapple hard” was also way too difficult for my friend who left defeated after several hours of complaining that I must have somehow broken the game by “not picking up enough supplies or something.”


So yesterday, I decided that it was time to do something about this.  Mini-me was passed out on my lap trapping me on the couch, so I cautiously picked up my controller again determined to finally beat this level.

Then after dying like 80 schmillion times the game took pity on me and during one of the load screens after a particularly nasty zombie four way death, the message scrawls across my field of view “remember you can adjust the difficulty at any time during gameplay through the options menu.”


That’s when it struck me, “oh yeah, I have this on ‘f@#$ a pineapple hard,’ let me try ‘easy’ instead.”

And that ladies and gentlemen is how I finally completed my life’s work.

The moral of this story is that when things seem too rough, and you think you can’t go on, check yourself, make sure you aren’t trying to play on pineapple.